Season of loneliness.

Something happened to me, years ago, which caused a seemingly irreversible process in my life which continues to do this day. I think it must have something to do with consciousness, awareness, knowledge, experience… beyond which it is impossible to return. The younger and more naive and ignorant I was, the more friends I had, the happier I was socially and in natural terms; but as I grew, gained knowledge and wisdom and experience, and maturity, I’ve found myself more and more alone. (Except for God, of course.)

I watch movies, I see people and situations on TV, I look around at my peers and fellow human beings in all spheres of my natural life, and I am struck by how relatively un-alone they are. To be sure, some are just as alone as me, perhaps even more so. But most of them have boyfriends, girlfriends, buddies and friends, close family members and acquaintances. I am sometimes jealous, but seldom envious I think; not envious, because I do not wish that they be deprived of companionship; jealous, only because I wish that I myself could share in the human love I see around me

At the end of the day, though, I have nothing to complain about. Many of those who’ve wished to become courageous, self-fulfilled, life-exploring “individuals” have had to suffer aloneness as one of the inevitable consequences; the crowd is almost never willing to go along with a a trail-blazer or pioneer, and the more noble or virtuous the quest the more true this has been; for a charismatic mass-murderer or cult-leader like Hitler or Jim Jones many thousands (if not millions) might be willing or happy to tag along; but for saints and prophets, not nearly so often.

I can humbly and truthfully admit that I’ve pursued a saint’s and a prophet’s path. Which saint’s, or which prophet’s? My own. Only my own. I’ve sought the Lord fervently for direction and purpose concerning my own individual life; He has shown me, and part of that which has been shown is the solitary walk and lonely path I am now on, inevitably, as part of my burning love-offering for Him and the vision He gave me.

I see this life often very bleakly, in terms of my natural fortunes or circumstances; what other way, in what other direction, can my life go, other than that one irrevocable direction and path it’s been on all my life–that of increasing proximity to God, but increasing distance from mankind?

For the saint and prophet, aloneness is one of the price-tags for choosing to live a life with God; without God, and you may have all of the pleasures of the world, and all of the people in it, if you wish. But with God, that is no longer possible. Even if you forsake God after having gotten to know Him, you can not happily return to the riches of the world–you will be miserable because of the One whom you once had, and now no longer choose to have.

But though isolation stays or increases in my life, I have a burning hope within me that other isolated and world-estranged saints and prophets like myself will be gathered not only to God, but to other kindred spirits like myself. With God all things are possible, and in God’s presence is fullness of joy, peace, and love. In His presence, faith becomes sight. And in His presence, the world’s despised, forsaken saints and prophets can band together in supernatural harmony and fellowship, forever.


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